Things You Never knew you Never Wanted to Know
By Krystela Hextor, Hex Reporter

For this article I had the pleasure of sitting down with Professor Gwendolyn Lynette McAmis. Many of you will know her as the Charms Professor or the Ravenclaw Head of House. Like any good reporter on her first assignment I sat up the night before studying my subject. Professor McAmis was born in Beynac, France. It is not only the home of our illustrious Professor but the birth place of smelly gelly cheese and Carrot Marmalade for those of you who have food for thought.

Professor McAmis is 33 years of age and attended Beauxbatons in her schooling years. She was born on January 24, 1977. Also the same day the band Ghoul Girls came out with their hit single, “Broom Slide Baby.”

I came in to the interview with many burning questions but decided to ease in to them. The Professor was quite polite and willing to speak about anything with in reason of course.

“How long have you been working at Hogwarts?” I questioned, with no REAL interest.  I really wished to move on to my hard hitting reporting. She answered 4 years and counting. Getting in to a rather boring conversation about Professor Flitwick, I remembered our dearly departed charms Professor had disappeared rather suddenly and that lead to my next question.

“How dangerous is it being a Professor at Hogwarts? I have heard Professors are known to disappear and generally end up in Saint Mungo’s on a regular basis.” With that the Professor looked rather uncomfortable but replied with a grace I had not seen in all my years on this earth.

“Dangerous?” she asked pausing briefly, “Hogwarts is as safe as it can be under the circumstances. I can think of no place in the Wizarding world safer for you students. Not all rumors you hear are true, especially when concerned with the professors and staff of Hogwarts...” Nodding I asked my next question.

“How many times have you visited the Hospital Wing as a patient if you don’t mind me prying?”

“No more than necessary.” Quite an intelligent answer I must say. As we continued I added a few more of my lovely ‘cushion questions’ which I will skip for your benefit.  Feel free to find me if you want any details on how the Professors of the school get along. This is when I brought out my ‘big ones’ the questions all you students REALLY want to know about.

“Now Professor the burning question everyone wants to know,” I paused for dramatic effect as the Professor waited anxiously, “In your opinion is Hogwarts grass thick enough?” Of course she was shocked and taken back, anyone would be.

“Grass? Thick enough? I would say it is as thick as it needs to be, I suppose... Can't say I've ever thought much about it though. That's more Professor Longbottom's area of expertise.”

Yes that was true, it would be, and I realized I needed to home in on her subject knowledge. It was something we had all wondered about and I finally had the chance to ask if the nose picking charm was real. She paused thinking about how to answer I assume. Maybe she didn’t want to let the secret out but she did say this, “The beauty of charms is almost anything you can think of to do with one, there just might be a charm already for it... and if it doesn't exist, it can eventually be created if there is a... uh... need. The possibilities are only governed by the boundaries of your mind and the basic principles of a charm. Same with any spell, really. That is what the Thinkers are for, after all.”

Before you ask what a thinker is I will warn you it is a boring explanation so I left it out of this article. Going through my notes I found a question that brought us to current consumer reports. Does Witch-a-way Stain remover REALLY work? Unfortunately she had never used the product but did say she preferred her wand and it worked quite well.

I figured we were due for a change and I moved on to her ‘personal’ life. I had read and article recently that brought up my next question. “Do your eyelashes fall out left or right?” I think I caught her off guard with my knowledge of current events when she answered, “Pardon? I'm not quite sure what you mean by them falling out left or right, but can't say I ever notice much what side they fall out or when they do.”

I went easy at for the second one and only brought up an idle piece of gossip that had been assed around the school. This would be her chance to clear it up. Did she have a relationship with any other Professors (of the male persuasion)?” Of course I could not elaborate, other then the whisperings of a relationship since I am no gossip (must leave that to give others something to do). She denied it of course and I moved right along really not interested any more. I figured the interview had run long enough but still had that all important last question lined up. It had been bugging me for weeks and I just had to ask. “Do you think ear wax is a good substitute for candle wax?” For some odd reason the Professor seemed oddly relieved, Merlin only knows why, but she did have this to say, “I'm not so sure I'd like to see the person who had enough earwax to make one candle, let alone to replace candle wax.” She stopped and laughed softly, “So, I suppose that would be a no, not particularly. Not nearly enough supply for the demand of candles, after all.“ Little did she know about the large underground market I read about the day before in the Daily Prophet.

That marked the end of our conversation. We had a polite goodbye and I was left to contemplate her answers. All in all she is a very good Professor but in my opinion a bit light on the goings on of Hogwarts or Wizarding England, but to each their own I suppose. With that I sign off, Krystela Hextor Reporting Good bye and good night.