{HEx : Horoscope}
as foretold by Medium Colossa Lowe

Aries
March 21 - April 19
Sign: The Ram

You try telling yourself that it’s just your imagination, but you keep thinking that you see squirrels glaring suspiciously at you on the 4th. The next week, you’ll see a little group of them gathered in a tree, chirping away and stealing glances at you. The following Thursday, you’ll see those rodents gathering the heaviest and sharpest nuts and sticks they can find. That Friday, you’ll be gone and no one will ever know what happened to you.

Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Sign: The Bull

You might notice something a little off about one of your friends this month. Here’s a little checklist for you: are his eyes glowing red? Is he speaking in unintelligible grunts? Has he developed a sudden, startling craving for human brains? If you’ve answered yes to all three of these, either he’s a zombie or very stoned. Either way, you might want to have a little garlic on hand by the 13th.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Sign: The Twins

You will have to go undercover as a muggle this month to keep the Ministry off your trail. So you sold some black basilisk eggs once; hasn’t everyone? As you ponder why they are making such a goddamn deal out of the entire thing, it might be wise to pick a better alias than “Anita Disguise”. Just a suggestion.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Sign: The Crab

Actually, those watch batteries are defective. Go back to the place and ask for another pair. You’ll thank me later.

Leo
July 23 - August 22
Sign: The Lion

I hate to tell you this, but you’re absolutely horrible at impressions. Just because you say “hoo-hah” a lot does not make you Al Pacino, you hear me? And acting like a drunk only makes you seem a TINY bit like Giordano. Look: I’m sure you must have other talents that you could… oh, who am I kidding. You’re a Leo.

Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Sign: The Virgin

I’m looking at your sign, and honestly? Not buying it. At all.

Libra
September 23 - October 23
Sign: The Scales

That cult--er, religious organization--that you’ve joined recently sure makes you feel happy! In fact, you’ve never felt happier and more not-brainwashed! Tell everyone you know that the “religious organization” is having a bake sale on the 30th. Followed by a human sacrifice! But you might want to leave out that part.

Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Sign: The Scorpion

Just when you’re feeling at your most lost and insecure, finally, you’ll find your true love this month. No, it’s not a person. Don’t kid yourself; you’re not nearly good-looking enough for that! But, I’m sure your new robot love will be a worthy substitute. Just don’t press that big red button. Trust me.

Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Sign: The Centaur

I hate to ruin the end for you, but there was a telescreen behind that picture the entire time, so that literary hypothesis you develop on the ninth will prove not to be correct. You seriously expected a happy ending? What the hell’s wrong with you?

Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Sign: The Goat

I know you’re feeling horrible right now, and you need someone to talk to. Someone to tell your deepest, darkest secrets to; someone who is kind and thoughtful; someone who would never dream of hurting or manipulating you. Hey, how about that school governor guy? Now there’s a guy as trustworthy as I am qualified to write these horoscopes! Actually… maybe that’s a bad example…

Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Sign: Water

In Transfiguration one day, you’ll get changed into a statue. Everyone will agree that this is an improvement and might not be so keen to transform you back, so I’d strike a flattering pose beforehand, if I was you.

Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Sign: Fish

You will become tragically blind and deaf, before you even get a chance to read this article. Guess there’s really no point in continuing to write it then, is there? Oh, thank God.